It's too often 11:30pm hits and my thoughts go into overdrive. All of the sudden I have a million ideas floating around and the more I try to relax the bigger the to-do list becomes. I tend to be a very anxious person in general. When my thoughts are telling me I have a long list of tasks to finish and I'm not working on any of them, my anxiety levels go through the roof. Suddenly sitting in bed becomes a nightmare.
The minute I thought about trying to sleep last night it was like a chorus of bells went off in my head. Think of the sound your phone makes when you get multiple alerts at once... it's kind of like that.
Alerts that said, "You never worked out today you should probably do some crunches right now. Look at that pile of clothes still sitting in your chair, you never got that done today. How do you create social media icons for your blog? Maybe you should look into that tonight. Could you create custom icons? You should look up how to use photoshop. When are you going to finally sort through all your old clothes in the basement? You really need to get rid of everything you own. What do you want your online brand to be? You should really stop putting off writing that blog post. You still need to learn HTML. What do you want to do with your life? What are your goals?"
As the minutes tick by my thoughts change from the mental to-do list to far fetched desires until the downward spiral reaches self doubt and worry. It looks like this, "I wish I had money. I wish I could be a travel/fashion/bookish person who had sponsors and a life full of adventures. I wonder how much a fancy camera would cost... and a new computer... and a new car? I need money to travel. How do travel vloggers even get started? I'm never going to be a good blogger. What if I never get to do the things I want to do? What if no one ever watches my Youtube videos and I fail at this whole thing? What if I'm never able to move out of my parents house? What if I never find something I'm good at and can make money off of? What if I never find my dream job?"
Logically, I know the best thing to do is try to let it go and worry about all those ideas the next day. It's better to get a full nights sleep and attack the list in the morning. Negativity and self doubt aside, I try to only focus on the check list of tasks to finish. Realistically the tasks my brain conjures up at night are all better left for day time hours anyway. I'm not really accomplishing much by half-assing a work out at 1am. What makes me more anxious is that I seem to always forget or ignore these ultra important ideas until 11:30pm the next night. The next day goes by and the same tasks are usually left undone.
Of course there are certain nights my brain seems to have a harder time than others. Nights like last night where at 3:30am I'm still up tossing and turning. I just wish there was an easy way to turn my thoughts off and on as I please.
-S
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